“In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to, in turn, feel the need to be constantly visible, for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success, do not be afraid to disappear—from it, from us, for a while—and see what comes to you in the silence.”
–Michaela Coel

It appears I may have been overly ambitious with my ideas and dreams for this blog and inadvertently ended up abandoning the project altogether either in a state of paralysis, overwhelm, or a mixture of both. Much has happened since I last wrote, much I never could have imagined for myself. And yet in the moment of experiencing it, I still find myself hesitating against the beckoning of self-pride, of truly honoring and valuing how far I have come and what it has taken to get here. No, it appears it is quite inbred in me to question myself, to not see what is really there and instead invest in what really isn’t. Perhaps if I hold myself in this awareness while giving thanks for what I have, a slight perspective shift may occur. Of course, the mind is a malleable yet stubborn thing.

I recently chose to walk away from a career opportunity which at first felt like it may be a dream. For the first time in my life, I was being paid to write, given an opportunity to be creative everyday; to immaculately conceive and bring into life a vision unique unto me and only me. As I poured my love and soul into this project, I felt challenged by those around me. Someone on my team was not meeting deadlines, doing their fair share of work; was interfering with my work, micromanaging me in front of an overwhelmed supervisor who was too busy to know how anything was getting done. I was doing the work of several people with very little communication or support from those around me. A trend I noticed occurring was that the longer I toiled away, the more any compliment I received was attached to a request to take on more work, some of which didn’t fall under my list of responsibilities.

I began to feel burnt out; to feel I was losing sight of myself, my vision, and my reason for being there. I had started the project because I wanted to bring people to our business, as things weren’t being promoted properly and patronage was dwindling. I quickly realized in taking on the project that the people I was working for were simply happy to reduce their workload but not necessarily interested in acknowledging my vision or understanding my purpose. Instead they asked me to do more things, became more silent, responded to less emails, and brushed away more of my ideas.

I began to realize that while I was making their lives easier, they were making mine harder and not seeming to care or even be aware they were doing so. To top it all off, I was being paid $13 an hour before tax for highly skilled labor with no promise of a promotion or official role. The most my supervisor could offer was that they would bring up the idea to my head supervisor in several weeks, though there would be no promise of any improvement. At the same time, said head supervisor was giving credit for my work to someone who had done nothing and had in fact been not completing work for the past two weeks.

It’s safe to say I hit a breaking point and ended up quitting in a somewhat sudden fashion. I had a conversation on a Friday about all of my concerns and quit the next day when I realized the situation had no chance of improving, which was further confirmed by the head supervisor responding to my concerns with a long email telling me to do things I had already been doing for weeks and trying to make me feel responsible for their own lack of communication while also not correcting their error in giving credit for my work to someone else. I realized quite suddenly—though I should have processed and slowed down my reaction to it all—that this was a work environment that would not recognize when I was doing well and would find ways to blame me when I was not doing wrong.

I realize that many people outside of me may think my actions appear risky or reckless. In fact, I feel this could be said about many pivotal moments in my life where I have needed to walk away from a tower as it was crumbling beneath me. I think most people, when they see or sense something is wrong in their life, will hold themselves there a little bit longer, telling themselves they can change something about the circumstances for the better. And who’s to say if said improvement comes or not. Certainly, sometimes we can improve our circumstances. However, so often I feel we hold ourself in harmful environments or allow harmful behavior to continue almost in a state of denial, and nothing really ever changes or comes of it except our capacity to withstand the situation. I feel that this is not how I want to live my life.

Perhaps those I was working with did not want to see what I was contributing, and perhaps the subconscious hope in their staying firm in that belief is that I will concede and settle for less, will stop asking for more. And this wouldn’t be a bad bet. I was raised by parents who taught me to question myself, who wanted me to believe I was bad and flawed and broken. I was taught that I couldn’t trust my own perceptions and judgments and understandings of the world around me. What I have learned as I have grown older is that I was not taught these things because they were right and just and true, but rather it was because the adults in my life did not want to see how they were causing harm and did not want me to see that I didn’t actually deserve it.

It can be triggering to have this mirrored in relationships and group dynamics in adulthood. I question myself at times how these cycles keep repeating themselves. Certainly, a part of it is I have delayed processing due to ADHD, autism, and CPTSD, and so I often don’t realize how bad a situation is until it is starting to swallow me whole. But another large part is that I can put myself in a position of disempowerment because I am comfortable there. If you are told it is unacceptable to ask for decency and kindness your whole life, your entire livelihood will feel as though it is in danger when you are faced with a situation where you have to advocate for yourself.

Thankfully, as I have gotten older and had to say no to more and more things, I have learned that it is worth it to choose yourself and trust that everything will somehow be okay or at least work out how it is meant to. This doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for your actions or painful realizations about what you could have done differently or how you could have shown up better. But you take these things with you into the next experience and the next one, hopefully finding a more mature and authentic expression of self as you step onto your new path.

I am still recuperating, healing, and surveying the damage of what has been lost. I walked away from something I didn’t want to walk away from simply because I knew the situation would not get better, and my mental health was at risk if things continued on as they were. Though I am not sure where my path leads next, what I have decided is that from now on, I refuse to give up on myself. If no one else believes in me, I will believe in myself. If no one else treats me with respect, I will respect myself. I choose to walk away from situations that harm me. I choose to value the work I have done, to believe I deserve fair compensation and communication and support. I choose to see reality for what it really is.