Growing up, I had a tumultuous and pained relationship with my mother and, as such, desperately craved the attention and approval of my father and brother. In the pursuit of this, I often turned my back on my own interests or, even worse, felt embarrassed of them, only allowing myself to explore them in moments of privacy and solitude. I loved pop stars and their luminescent body glitter, dreamed of creating a cartoon-character aesthetic, craved for someone to show me how to style my hair and do my makeup. Yet all this yearning went unanswered even by myself.

Raised to understand myself as being a girl (and currently understanding myself as non-binary), I was subtly taught to reject femininity in the way that all women, or people perceived to be women—and if we’re being honest, men—in a patriarchal world are taught that femininity is innately inadequate. Perhaps fueling my willingness to reject this part of myself was that I had already been programmed to believe in my own inadequacy by way of my own upbringing. But that’s a story for another day.

You see, pop stars are fun, but they aren’t to be taken seriously. People who style themselves and wear makeup are vain and seeking attention. Small insidious comments like these teach one to question themselves and their reasons for doing things, thus taking away one’s own agency and giving it to the role of the observer. I began to feel ashamed of my interests, unsure of my reasons for doing things. I wanted to dress up and wear makeup because it looked fun, because it was a way to creatively express oneself. Yet in a moment’s notice, those reasons could be swiftly misinterpreted as proof of some sort of psychological injury.

As a result, we begin to close ourselves off from things we love doing, things that help us merge parts of ourself into one distinctive, fulfilled whole. The only way out of this entrapment is through the repeated and persistent questioning of how things are and how they came to be. Eventually, you will come to a resounding conclusion: why should I live my life for a person or people that watch and judge my actions against pre-existing oppressive ideals, as a result never exploring the truth of their own authentic expression? In other words: don’t let the man get you down.

As I have done some healing work over the past few years, I am slowly starting to interact more with my inner child, both tending to the unmet needs of my younger self but also exploring some of the very interests I used to reject. As such, I have found myself listening to pop stars from the ’90s and learning to do winged eyeliner on hooded eyes, putting thought into my outfits and taking up a new crafting project every week. It has been incredibly nourishing to my spirit, allowing me to feel a bit lighter and freer and accepting of who I am.

On a bit of a whim, I purchased a small bedazzling kit on Amazon. After about a week of visualizing ideas, I finally settled on blinging out a clear phone case that I had purchased the month prior. I gathered together some stickers featuring Kuromi, a punk-rock rabbit-esque Sanrio character, and went to work. After two days of bent-kneck hyperfixation, I sealed and dried out this beautiful bedazzled creation that I wish to share with you, dear reader.

I can never quite get over the feeling of satisfaction that comes with having created something. Sometimes the feeling is so beautiful, you want to keep it to yourself. But I hope in sharing my little bit of joy with you that it helps you to perhaps explore what it is that calls to you. What did you used to love doing as a kid? Why not give it a try after all this time? After all, it could be fun~